For years, I have been trying to explain why I don't want help in many situations. It's a shocking thing to many people.
"Fiercely independent"? That may be part of it.
The thing is that I feel controlled when someone opens a door for me... At that point, I must go through or somehow offer up an properly gracious explanation. Or go for my fallback--start yelling because I feel I must assert my independence--and I'm not very skilled at that...
I have a bit of agoraphobia. I also fear the stranger... Well, not "fear", but I keep a mental buffer around me when I'm out in public. I very easily go into "overwhelm" mode. I don't know that I need to control everything, but when people do things for me, I feel that it puts me under an obligation. What if I don't want to go through that door? What if I want to finish something else before going through it? Instead I feel herded and obliged.
Ideally, I'd like for nothing to be different. I know that cannot happen. I lost a lot of ability and I joined a separate category of person.
I'm still groping about in the dark trying to figure it all out...
(Photo from: Wilmington NC Fence Contractors)
One of the hardest realizations I've ever faced is that sometimes it's ok to let people help me even though I may not be ready for it. I have the same feelings about feeling obligated to something once someone offers their assistance, and I often don't know how to process it other than feel frustrated and go ahead with the (sometimes un-requested) help that is offered.
ReplyDeleteThis is going to be hard for me to sum up in a blog comment, but I'm going to try. A man walks out of a door as you approach it. He holds it open for you, even though you did not ask. When I tap into my empathy (not sympathy), I think I can understand how you would view this in light of your blog post. The man assumed you not only wanted to go through that door, but that you might need his help to get through it. This may or may not be true, but how is it his place to make this assessment? Especially without even asking you first? And then I switch to the other side of that situation and know that I might well be that man and would hold that door for you without even thinking because its just sort of part of who I am. I like to make the lives of people around me easier, if only a little bit. I hold the door for other people all the time because I think in a world where we all ignore each other, this gesture is a small way of saying that I recognize someone else as a being alive here with me and valid.
Given the choice I guess I'd rather have a world where people hold doors for each other, even if prematurely or with assumption, over a world where they slam doors in each others' faces without a second thought.
But as much as I will (even WANT) to help others, I still have trouble accepting help, even as recently as this morning. The biggest realization from reading your post is that it's also ok for me to sometimes ask if help is needed or welcome.
I agree with much of this, but I think it gets more complicated. First, holding the door open is partly a holdover from an older "chivalric" period (for good or ill). It was something a gentleman did for a lady. He might keep it open for another man, but I'll doubt he would specifically open it for another man. That has extended itself as we balance out our gender relationships to where now it's simply a courtesy. Yeah, it's acknowledging that someone is there, it's being aware that, for instance, perhaps they're right behind you and it would feel rude to let the door slam in front of them.
DeleteThat's not help, however; it's a simple social gesture. There's nothing in there to suggest that the person for whom we hold open the door can't do it themselves, and we typically hold open a door towards which they're already heading, so we really didn't make that decision for them. (Older movies showing women waiting by a door until her beau opens it for her isn't, imho, about her being unable, but rather unwilling to open it herself.)
Chukka, we've engaged on this topic before about where the threshold is about someone needing help (I saw someone in a wheelchair go out of control down a hill one time in college; she wasn't hurt, but that was a clear "need help" moment even though she didn't - actually couldn't - articulate a call for help). But it hadn't occurred to me that some of the "niceties" you may experience originate as pleasantries but have crossed the line... That's a tough one!
It's never simple, is it?
ReplyDeleteWhatever else, I think we can agree that someone grabbing the door out of my hand is rude and presumptuous.
On the other hand, if someone sees me 10 seconds out and opens a door for me, Huzzah! I like things that happen in this "seamless" way.
And I just get a little snippy, because when I am going someplace, people tend to congregate in the center of the sidewalk, having conversations... Or stand in the curb cuts. The whole curb cut thing will be a post of its own, I'm sure.
And from what I've heard from men in chairs, it can be a sore spot as well.
I really like those electric doors with a plate I can push... And then we have to worry about those adding to my carbon footprint...
And thank you, both of you, for engaging on this. I learn a lot this way.
"Someone grabbing the door out of my hand is rude and presumptuous."
DeleteAbsolutely! For anyone! If that's what's been happening, then some would-be saviors need to get over themselves...